I wrote this about a month ago…After having some time to distance myself from a situation and think things through.


You came into my life so suddenly
I thought you were a change for the good
But I was so clouded in my view
Reaching for a better tomorrow
Wanting to believe I could feel happiness again

The years passed and I settled
Knowing your actions weren’t right
Knowing I deserved more
I convinced myself it would be ok
That one day you would wake up and want me completely
That I would be enough

But I was foolish
I only saw what I wanted to see
Ignoring all the signs, the feeling in my stomach
Because knowing the reality would hurt me again
You spoke lies to me with a truthful face
And I couldn’t argue back
Choking on your false reassurances

I began to fade at the edges
Like I was not worthy of being seen
Not even by you
No matter how hard I tried

Everything is clearer now
Things shouldn’t have gone on as long as they did
The way you made me feel like I was nothing
It still clings to me like an extra skin

But I’m peeling it away
Exposing myself and my worth bit by bit
Or at least trying to
Ready to let go and take a chance
In the hope of finding a love that may be returned
And not just picked up when it suits


The Bravest Man I Knew

These past few weeks have been difficult for me, I watched one of the bravest men I knew pass away from Cancer in 2009 when I was just 24. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about my dad, but hearing about the recent deaths of Lemmy and David Bowie because of cancer, brings back lots of painful memories.

There was no disputing, that all those years ago, when JK Rowling first started penning the Harry Potter books that they’d be a hit. She created a world that was engaging and created characters that became like friends. In my opinion Severus Snape is one of the most complex characters in modern literature. His pale skin, lank hair and rich voice, the air of mystery that always surrounded him. JK Rowling left us wondering till the very last book what Snape’s true colours were. When all was revealed it was both beautiful and tragic.

When the books were adapted to films we were all, perhaps, too young to understand the importance of casting the right actors, but I know that when watching the films we knew all the right people had been selected. None more so than Alan Rickman. An actor who first came to my attention in the Die Hard film where he plays the eloquent bad guy Hans Gruber. As I grew up watching the Harry Potter films I was captivated by the subtleties he brought to the role of Snape, it was in the way he moved, the way he paused, his facial expression. Everything, that when reading the books, I could see so clearly in my mind, he was born to the play the role.

As I grew up I went on to watch Alan Rickman in other fantastic films such as Dogma, Love Actually and Sense and Sensibility. When I heard the news of his passing today, I was stopped in my tracks; I shed tears and felt like I had all the wind knocked out of me. The Harry Potter books were such a big part of my life when I was younger, they still are, and the films have kept me entertained through my teenage and adult years. He always brought a natural ability to any performance, his delivery of lines was impeccable and with Alan you could read it all in his eyes before he uttered a word. His portrayal of Snape, in my opinion, was one of his finest. It was like watching him step from the book and straight to the screen. He played the tragedy so well, that even now just typing this I feel fresh, warm tears spring to my eyes. I feel so fortunate, as a Harry Potter fan, to know that one of the finest British actors played one of the most intriguing literary characters ever to grace our lives and did it with so much finesse.

I’m finding it increasingly difficult to write, but I thank you Alan Rickman for sharing your talent with the world. I don’t share this with a lot of people but I was re-reading the Deathly Hallows when my father died, I couldn’t sleep the night before the funeral because I didn’t want time to pass till I had to say my last goodbye. I believe that book gave me strength to get through that horrific day and it is with a heavy heart that I say goodbye to the man who brought the literary equivalent of “the bravest man I knew” to life.

“Look…at…me” he whispered. The green eyes found the black, but after a second, something in the depths of the dark pair seemed to vanish, leaving them fixed, blank and empty. The hand holding Harry thudded to the floor, and Snape moved no more.”

Rest in peace Alan Rickman, and my thoughts go to your family and friends at what I know is a truly heart-breaking time.




My Top 5 Books of 2013 – Book 3

This book was published in 2012, but I had a backlog of books to read first, so I didn’t read it until last year. Whence why it’s on my 2013 list.

The Casual Vacancy by JK Rowling.


I grew up reading the Harry Potter books. The first book came out when I was 11 and it stayed with me into my 20’s. I escaped into that world, connected with the characters, laughed with joy and cried many, many tears when my beloved characters died. I honestly believe that JK Rowling inspired a whole new generation of children to love literature all over again, she even inspired the same passion in adults. So when the Harry Potter books came to an end, I wondered, what next?

When the news emerged that Jo would be writing an adult book that was as faraway from Harry Potter as possible, a lot of fans were in uproar, they were angry, sad and confused, they wanted to know why she wasn’t writing sequels or prequels, although these have been teased over the years. To be honest, I never understood the backlash, I thought it was great that she was going to write something different, her capabilities to bring people and places to life had been enjoyed for years, so I had no doubt at all she could write a story that captivated people. And that’s exactly what she did with The Casual Vacancy.

This book focuses around the death of Barry Fairbrother and the idyllic town of Pagford. Barry’s death means there is a seat on the Parish Council; this acts as a catalyst for a war that resonates through the town, with people battling to win his place and the power that comes with it. But don’t read this blurb and think it’s all about bake offs, posters and campaigns, what we have here is an unflinching look at society. Behind the scenic beauty of Pagford we see crumbling marriages, a division of class, drug abuse and teenage sex. And that’s just scratching the surface.

The characters are all well formed and believable, some are grotesque, some humorous and some are so brave yet tragic that your heart breaks for them. It does take a while for the plot of the story to be revealed, as Jo spends some time investing in the characters and the relationships and frictions between them, but stick with it. As the story develops, so does the drama. There’s a sense of tension that builds up in the final part of the book as events unfold. The ending is seeped in tragedy and will leave you breathless. A brutal book that covers taboos often ignored, but very much apparent, in modern day society. JK Rowling did it once again; she made me fall in love with her ability as an author and confirmed my fan girl status. I have nothing but love and admiration for her. This book further adds to her hype and displays why she is one of the finest writers of our time, and rightfully so.

Read this if you’re a Harry Potter fan who isn’t ignorant, fans of drama will love this as well as those who like a fictional, but so well written it could be factual, look at the human condition and modern day Britain. It may even help you realise not to be so quick as to judge others, a fine book.