It’s been a while since I’ve used this. So much has happened since my last post, and sadly most of it hasn’t been great. For a short time I thought the Universe had listened to my hopes and that it had brought back the person I’d fallen in love with, missed and pined over for so long. I was elated, all those good feelings came rushing back, but it turns out he wasn’t, isn’t, the person I thought he was.
He was once again declaring his love for me and saying how he’d missed me for months. And after us spending some amazing time together in November and December his whole mood suddenly changed, he grew distant and cold. To cut a long story short, he’s a charmer. He uses the same script on any woman that takes his fancy and then dumps them in a glib text message, which he copies and pastes from his last break up, only editing the name at the beginning. I feel so much anger at myself for allowing myself to trust him for a second time and for allowing him to make me feel worthless again. But I am so glad that I can see him for what he is now, I pity him in a way, how he will go through life hurting people and treating them abominably, because to quote a beautiful queen “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?” And I think that’s his problem, he’s incapable of loving himself so can show no love or respect to anyone else. The only good thing that came from that awful experience was some life long friends that feel more like family.
Around the same time this was going on, my health wasn’t good so I went to the Dr’s (finally transferring to one closer to where I now reside) and was greeted with more worry.
I never wanted to hear the word cancer again, not after losing my dad to it. But sure enough my Dr believed I was displaying signs of ovarian cancer, so that’s when my anxiety and depression got worse. The hardest thing was going home to tell my mum it was a possibility. I only told my closest family and friends. Sadly some friends didn’t really care or seem phased so that was beyond hurtful but something I have grown accustomed to now. The wait for the results to come back seemed to go on forever, I didn’t really sleep or eat much during this time and the whole world seemed amplified. Thankfully my blood tests came back clear but I am still awaiting an appointment for a scan to see if the cyst has gotten bigger on my ovary and until I know what’s going on I don’t know what the future will hold for me in the way of starting a family. I dote on my niece and would love to be a mum one day and the prospect of that not being possible for me is a bit too much to comprehend. But the answers lie in the future and I can only take one day at a time.
My mum hasn’t been well either, her various illnesses making her weak and in constant pain which isn’t nice to see or experience. Especially not after having watched my dad suffer for so long. But despite it all she was strong for me during that time and her courage is something I truly admire.
I am now in a position where I just feel so utterly and absolutely drained. I feel like I tried to make amends with certain people and didn’t get anything back, and now they go out of their way to try and emotionally guilt trip me. Even though I wrote an extensive letter to them trying to make them see and understand that I had a lot going on.
I also tried to make my marriage work time and time again, but he chose to go out and engage in a relationship with another woman for nearly 5 months. Again, I’m supposed to be made to feel bad because I’m not prepared to “try” when I did try, repeatedly for months. Just like I repeatedly asked for the truth only to be looked dead in the eye and told there was nothing going on, that it was all in my head and I was reading too much into it. These words said to me time and time again.
I have reached breaking point. If it wasn’t for my mum and a handful of people and a career I can focus on I probably would have given up long ago. I no longer want to waste my time or energy on people who only want me when they want something, who can’t follow up and ask how I am after knowing I was facing something scary or who will go out of their way to manipulate me by sending me snapchats and messages designed to make me feel like the bad guy when all I have done is take a step back from their toxicity and their attitude of not giving a shit. My experience of romantic relationships has left me wary and reluctant and some days I think I will just live out my life alone.
Something has to give and it isn’t going to be me.
I have been through enough emotional and mental hurt over the past few years that now I choose to be a little selfish. I won’t be making an effort for, or with those who don’t make an effort with me, I won’t be looking back at toxic relationships but looking forward at loving and considerate ones and I certainly will not ever give all of myself to anyone ever again. Give too much of yourself to people and you lose yourself. I’m not going to allow people to kick me, put me down and use me as an emotional punch bag. I’ve given too much time, love and respect to people who didn’t appreciate nor deserve it, but I won’t do that anymore.
Life is too short and precious to waste being miserable and allowing myself to be brow beaten into a life that doesn’t make me happy. Going forward, looking forward, I’m going to be kinder to myself and care less about the opinions of others or their opinions on the way I live my life. I am worth so much more than the way I have been treated.
So here’s to hoping this year gives me the strength to conquer anything, the continued love of those who do matter and the happiness I long for.