Breaking Point.

It’s been a while since I’ve used this. So much has happened since my last post, and sadly most of it hasn’t been great. For a short time I thought the Universe had listened to my hopes and that it had brought back the person I’d fallen in love with, missed and pined over for so long. I was elated, all those good feelings came rushing back, but it turns out he wasn’t, isn’t, the person I thought he was.

He was once again declaring his love for me and saying how he’d missed me for months. And after us spending some amazing time together in November and December his whole mood suddenly changed, he grew distant and cold. To cut a long story short, he’s a charmer. He uses the same script on any woman that takes his fancy and then dumps them in a glib text message, which he copies and pastes from his last break up, only editing the name at the beginning. I feel so much anger at myself for allowing myself to trust him for a second time and for allowing him to make me feel worthless again. But I am so glad that I can see him for what he is now, I pity him in a way, how he will go through life hurting people and treating them abominably, because to quote a beautiful queen “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?” And I think that’s his problem, he’s incapable of loving himself so can show no love or respect to anyone else. The only good thing that came from that awful experience was some life long friends that feel more like family.

Around the same time this was going on, my health wasn’t good so I went to the Dr’s (finally transferring to one closer to where I now reside) and was greeted with more worry.

I never wanted to hear the word cancer again, not after losing my dad to it. But sure enough my Dr believed I was displaying signs of ovarian cancer, so that’s when my anxiety and depression got worse. The hardest thing was going home to tell my mum it was a possibility. I only told my closest family and friends. Sadly some friends didn’t really care or seem phased so that was beyond hurtful but something I have grown accustomed to now. The wait for the results to come back seemed to go on forever, I didn’t really sleep or eat much during this time and the whole world seemed amplified. Thankfully my blood tests came back clear but I am still awaiting an appointment for a scan to see if the cyst has gotten bigger on my ovary and until I know what’s going on I don’t know what the future will hold for me in the way of starting a family. I dote on my niece and would love to be a mum one day and the prospect of that not being possible for me is a bit too much to comprehend. But the answers lie in the future and I can only take one day at a time.

My mum hasn’t been well either, her various illnesses making her weak and in constant pain which isn’t nice to see or experience. Especially not after having watched my dad suffer for so long. But despite it all she was strong for me during that time and her courage is something I truly admire.

I am now in a position where I just feel so utterly and absolutely drained. I feel like I tried to make amends with certain people and didn’t get anything back, and now they go out of their way to try and emotionally guilt trip me. Even though I wrote an extensive letter to them trying to make them see and understand that I had a lot going on.

I also tried to make my marriage work time and time again, but he chose to go out and engage in a relationship with another woman for nearly 5 months. Again, I’m supposed to be made to feel bad because I’m not prepared to “try” when I did try, repeatedly for months. Just like I repeatedly asked for the truth only to be looked dead in the eye and told there was nothing going on, that it was all in my head and I was reading too much into it. These words said to me time and time again.

I have reached breaking point. If it wasn’t for my mum and a handful of people and a career I can focus on I probably would have given up long ago. I no longer want to waste my time or energy on people who only want me when they want something, who can’t follow up and ask how I am after knowing I was facing something scary or who will go out of their way to manipulate me by sending me snapchats and messages designed to make me feel like the bad guy when all I have done is take a step back from their toxicity and their attitude of not giving a shit. My experience of romantic relationships has left me wary and reluctant and some days I think I will just live out my life alone.

Something has to give and it isn’t going to be me.

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I have been through enough emotional and mental hurt over the past few years that now I choose to be a little selfish. I won’t be making an effort for, or with those who don’t make an effort with me, I won’t be looking back at toxic relationships but looking forward at loving and considerate ones and I certainly will not ever give all of myself to anyone ever again. Give too much of yourself to people and you lose yourself. I’m not going to allow people to kick me, put me down and use me as an emotional punch bag. I’ve given too much time, love and respect to people who didn’t appreciate nor deserve it, but I won’t do that anymore.

Life is too short and precious to waste being miserable and allowing myself to be brow beaten into a life that doesn’t make me happy. Going forward, looking forward, I’m going to be kinder to myself and care less about the opinions of others or their opinions on the way I live my life. I am worth so much more than the way I have been treated.

So here’s to hoping this year gives me the strength to conquer anything, the continued love of those who do matter and the happiness I long for.

G.
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Love Hate Heartbreak

I hate this…I hate this feeling I carry around with me. A pain in my chest, a burning in my stomach that eats away at me from the inside…Love is beautiful, there’s no disputing that but heartbreak? That’s something else entirely. It’s own unique beast. Ironic how the one person who fills your body with warmth at just the thought of them, is also the same person who can make you feel so completely vulnerable that you feel you might shatter.

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I have no idea how I am still doing this, day in, day out. I have questions that sit in my mind without any answers. And this heavy pain inside that feels so overwhelming I fear that others can sense it too. I try to numb it, ease it with whatever I can think of…Family, friends, reading a book, alcohol and antidepressants. At the weekend I just go into town as if the act of being around people will stop me from falling to pieces. But no matter how hard I try or how good I think I’m pushing the pain away, it forces it’s way back to the surface. And I cry. I cry for him. For what we were, what we had.

I cry because I miss him. I cry because this hurts me so much and I can’t contain it all inside. I cry because I told him how he’s turned my life upside down and how his leaving has hurt me and I just got left on read and it hurts a whole lot more. And I still don’t get it…I don’t get how you do this? How I do this? I feel no better now than I did days ago, weeks ago. And all because I let my guard down and allowed myself to love…And thought I was being loved in return.

See, those who break us, who take our love and throw it to the side like it was nothing can move on with their lives and smile and be happy and see the beauty in the world. Whilst we are broken, catatonic shells of our former selves. Unsure of how to move forward in a world and a future we had hoped to share with them. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, what I feel is ineffable. And I miss him. And I love him. Even though I don’t cross his mind, even though I don’t exist to him.

I hate this so much….

G.
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Vacant

I haven’t written anything in a while and that whole 30 day challenge thing was kind of repetitive and I lacked the motivation to be so positive when I really don’t feel that way.

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I’d like to say that I feel better or I’ve improved but the truth is, I really don’t. Every time I feel that he couldn’t possibly hurt me anymore, he’s found new ways to do it…First it was going from responding to messages to just ignoring them, then untagging all the photo’s of us together on Facebook and then just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse he blocks me completely. Like that cut me so deep because I’d made my profile so he couldn’t see what I posting anyway so I wasn’t clogging up his timeline and a week before we’d exchanged a couple of messages on Facebook. It really hurt in a way I didn’t think was possible and I felt angry because he’s hurt me so much and treated me so badly and yet he doesn’t seem at all phased. In fact he’s moved back to playing happy families and doesn’t seem to grasp how much he’s destroyed me.

So, I did what I often do when what I’m feeling becomes too much and I sent him a message. In it I told him how much he’s hurt me, how out of all the things that have happened over the past 8 years he’s the one that’s broken me. I explained how for the first time ever I’m on antidepressants, how I don’t eat or sleep well and how I get no joy from anything. It wasn’t sent to guilt trip him but I was tired of him not grasping what he’s done to me…And do you know what? It was pointless. I was left on read again. No response. Not even a glib response. Nothing. I can’t even explain how this makes me feel.

My mum said the other week that I seem so vacant. And I guess I am, I feel like a robot just kind of carrying out the basic things I need to do each day and my heart doesn’t feel like it should be inside me. Someone suggested this is my mind trying to detach itself from the emotions I’m feeling, which makes sense because I am so scared of this feeling inside of me. It’s bigger than anything I’ve felt before and it’s a million times worse because the person who caused it doesn’t care and yet ironically, is also the person that makes my heart swell when I think of them and makes me smile when I look back at photos of them.

I feel like I’m covered in a fog that doesn’t lift, my pain is so deep. In my quietest times and when I’m alone it consumes me and my anxiety kicks in and makes me relive the things he said to me over and over again until it all becomes too much. I really don’t understand how human beings can completely destroy other people and sleep well at night, posing for fake happy family photo’s and acting as though everything is good in the world. I guess ignorance really is bliss.

G.
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Honesty and Hindsight

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I write this from my sick bed…Full of a flu and just generally feeling shitty. I’m always going to be honest. Even though people don’t tend to be honest with me, it’s something I hold really important. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes honesty involves saying or discussing things that are difficult and could cause upset but there’s always a way to do it as nice as possible. Or at least I believe there is…But this?…I still cannot comprehend this.

I still cannot get my head around the coldness or the juvenility of the way he ended it with me. I thought I was worth more than glib text message at 1am…but apparently not. I still cannot get my head around a lot of things. I get that, perhaps, some family and friends are tired of hearing me still talking about it, to them it’s been a month and I should be fine now but the truth is I’m not. I’m not fine at all. He was like the sunshine in my life, and the first person I have met that I have a true honest to god connection with. I could make him laugh and smile and we have so much in common it’s ridiculous and I miss him. I miss him so much.

At risk of sounding like a broken record the thing I’ve struggled with the most is not being able to message him/talk to him. Before he told me I was the girl of his dreams, or that he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about me since meeting me or even before he asked me on a date we talked quite a bit and it was like two pieces of a jigsaw coming together. We just clicked. Just like the day we met. I find him so exhilarating, I could speak to him all day, every day and never get bored and essentially that’s what we did most days. Then he just ended it all and it stopped. My friend Maria offered up a couple of great analogies for this…She said it’s like he got you addicted to heroin, and every day for five months he gave you a hit and then he just cut you off and made you go cold turkey. But I think perhaps my favourite analogy is the storm. She said he came into your life like a storm but he moved on and has left me to clean up the debris of what he’s left behind. And that’s how it feels. Like he has found peace and left me pieces and now it’s up to me to pick up the debris and try and rebuild my life again.

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But how are you supposed to do this? How are you supposed to move on when you know the person you feel this connection with is with someone else? I’ve always known what to do in times of trouble, I’ve always had a set plan or known what to do next but I’m clueless here. How am I meant to function and act normal when some days the weight of his absence makes me forget how to breathe? As I have said in previous posts, I’ve been doing all I can to occupy my mind. Work is a big help because it’s busy at the moment and there’s a lot to be doing but the evenings are the worst. I miss him phoning me randomly when he’d finished work, or us planning to watch an episode of something at the same time. I read, write, watch TV shows and films and make plans with friends and family all in a bid to fill my time and keep my mind busy but the truth is, I can be surrounded by people and all I feel is empty and alone. I find it hard to find joy in anything, even things I had enjoyed previously. I may be smiling or laughing on the surface but it doesn’t reach me deep down where it should. And this is where I’m struggling. I don’t know what’s crueler…How he ended it with me or not knowing if there was any truth in the things he said to me during our relationship?! I HAVE to believe he meant some of what he said, because the idea that it was all lies just hurts in a way I cannot articulate.

The few times we have messaged since he keeps telling me I wasn’t just some girl, that he more than liked me and that he hates the thought of me being sad but his actions make me think differently. I have thoughts/theories and ideas constantly running through my mind and questions but I don’t know if there’s one person I can put them to without annoying them or causing offence or fearing they’re just tired of me talking about it. I honestly thought I would never hurt as much as I did when I lost my dad, but I was wrong. I guess it hurts because he knew how much my trust had been broken, how much I’d been lied prior to my marriage breaking down. He knew what had happened, knew my reluctance to let my guard down or date anyone. Yet still he pursued me, because he felt the connection we had, like seriously it’s the kind that people write poetry and songs about…There are two times that I often think about, one was when we were on our third date someone asked us how many years we’d been together because we seemed so close and another time when we went to Birmingham for the day someone thought we were married. We just got each other…We’d be thinking the same thing…We made sense…Make sense….And fuck, this hurts so fucking much.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and perhaps I should have remained closed off and taken my time but he gave me no reason not to believe that he didn’t feel the same way, he asked me to trust him. But a little bit of honesty and all of this could have been prevented if he would have just said the words “I still have feelings for my wife.” I would have just been his friend you know…All this hurt could be non existent if he would have just been honest instead of pretending he didn’t still have feelings for someone and saying he loved me when he didn’t.  But it’s more than that…To paraphrase something I read somewhere once…It’s easy to take your clothes off and just have sex with someone, but opening up to someone and letting them in, telling them your fears, your low points, high points and dreams for the future, that’s being truly naked and intimate with someone…So when someone takes all that and treats you in a way they promised they never would it’s destructive and beyond heartbreaking.

Honest to God (there’s that word honest again) I am trying so hard, and the thing is…I could block him on everything but it wouldn’t stop me from thinking about him or missing him…It won’t stop me loving him. As it is, I’ve archived our chats on WhatsApp so I don’t see his name anymore, I’ve hidden the letters he sent me and the birthday card and pretty much everything I post on Facebook can’t be seen by him…He’s clearly moved on so I don’t want him to see my name popping up, I don’t want him to see me feeling shitty because I imagine in some weird way that could be flattering to him. I was talking to a friend the other day who is going through the same thing right now, and we both agreed that what makes it more painful is how happy they are. How they have hurt another person so much yet continue to eat, drink and sleep normally. How their lives are normal, if not, better, whilst we are stuck, broken, confused, mere shadows of our former selves. Left with questions that will never be answered, no closure, no insight…Nothing. Just like we’re made to feel, like we’re nothing. Not even a footnote in their life.

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I recently started watching Black Mirror (I know I’m behind the times) but there’s an episode called ‘The Entire History of You’ and honestly I think it’s one of the few things I’ve seen that captures what it’s like to live with anxiety. The premise is that in the future people have a memory grain inserted in their body that allows them to relive everything they experience whenever they wish, every single moment is stored there, kind of like a cloud. It was a great episode, but it also made me feel weird because as someone who has anxiety that is what life is like. Memories may fade to other people, but anxiety sufferers tend to recall moments from their past in clear detail and relive it over and over again. I think that’s why all of this is so much harder, because my brain has looked back, dissected and analysed everything between me and him over and over again in minute detail. And there was NEVER any sign or indication that his heart belonged to someone else…So how else am I supposed to feel? If there’d been even the slightest thing, chances are I would have remembered or picked up on it at the time (my gut instinct is never wrong) and questioned it but there was nothing. So when he turned round and ended it with me after this conversation that happened so suddenly, it’s knocked everything out of me. And I don’t know how to fix myself.

I have to resign myself to the fact that he is happier without me.
That he doesn’t miss me or think about me.
That he never really cared and was just looking for someone to give him a confidence boost.
That my existence in his life meant so little that he doesn’t even notice the absence of me.

And all of these things hurt me in a way that’s too difficult to put into words…It’s been 35 days since he ended it and I feel so much worse…But I’ll have to keep on doing what I’m doing, getting help, making plans and then maybe one day it will hurt a little less. I just wish sometimes that he could feel what I feel for just a second…But I wouldn’t want him to hurt the way I do…And that makes me feel stupid because I know I should be angry or vengeful or whatever but I’m not that type of person…I just miss him so, so much. I just hope that all this is hurt is worth it because my gut is telling me different.

G.
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Late Night Questions

As you know I’m finding the process of writing about my recent break-up quite cathartic…Here’s something/some questions I jotted in my notepad last night when I couldn’t sleep….

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Do you still listen to our song?
Is it still OUR song or have you shared it with someone else?
It would be nice to know if that stayed special
A moment in our time together that stays sacred

That makes you think of how you couldn’t stop listening to it because you loved it
How it made you think of me…Of us…

I see so much that I know would make you laugh
And I reach for my phone to tell you or tag you and then I stop myself
Because I’m not sure if I should or could
And even if I did, would you leave me on read and not even respond?

But it’s more than that

Do you still want to talk to me?
Do you see things that make you think of me?

Do you long to hear from me?
Do  you still care that I’m hurting?
Do you really hate to think of me sad?
Or am I really that easy to forget?
Just some girl, thrown to one side by a text message at one in the morning
Nothing, I mean nothing…

G.
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Drown

Here’s something I wrote recently in reaction to what’s happened…

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It gets heavier 
And pulls me down
My fingers splayed and reaching for the surface
Hoping for some relief
An inhale of breath that will fill my lungs with the feel of your love once more
But the more time that p a s s e s 
The lower I sink
A shackle around me
Made up of a chain of your words that I now know were lies and empty promises
But it is the weight of your absence
That pulls me further into the darkness
As I drown

G.
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To Feel Nothing

I have this notebook and every time I miss you or want to ask you a question I write it in there. Because I know that you don’t want me to talk to you, that you don’t want to hear from me. I know that you’re happy and it kills me to think that I feel as though I have a hole in my chest but that you are whole again and don’t even miss me…not even just a little bit.

18 days on and I don’t even recognise who I am anymore. I told my friend at work today that my heart is genuinely, honest to God hurting, like a physical pain. Work is both a blessing and a curse, it’s exhausting having to pretend I’m ok…But when I leave and have nothing to distract me I think of you even more. Typing out messages and deleting them because you won’t care and don’t care. And that’s what I struggle with, how even after all the time we spent together, all the time we talked and made each other laugh and smile and feel good and happy…You don’t even miss me at all.

So tonight, and for the first time since I last saw you, I throw caution to the wind and choose alcohol and a couple of painkillers because I both want and need just one night of dreamless and undisturbed sleep. I just want to feel nothing…

G.

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