Honesty and Hindsight

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I write this from my sick bed…Full of a flu and just generally feeling shitty. I’m always going to be honest. Even though people don’t tend to be honest with me, it’s something I hold really important. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes honesty involves saying or discussing things that are difficult and could cause upset but there’s always a way to do it as nice as possible. Or at least I believe there is…But this?…I still cannot comprehend this.

I still cannot get my head around the coldness or the juvenility of the way he ended it with me. I thought I was worth more than glib text message at 1am…but apparently not. I still cannot get my head around a lot of things. I get that, perhaps, some family and friends are tired of hearing me still talking about it, to them it’s been a month and I should be fine now but the truth is I’m not. I’m not fine at all. He was like the sunshine in my life, and the first person I have met that I have a true honest to god connection with. I could make him laugh and smile and we have so much in common it’s ridiculous and I miss him. I miss him so much.

At risk of sounding like a broken record the thing I’ve struggled with the most is not being able to message him/talk to him. Before he told me I was the girl of his dreams, or that he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about me since meeting me or even before he asked me on a date we talked quite a bit and it was like two pieces of a jigsaw coming together. We just clicked. Just like the day we met. I find him so exhilarating, I could speak to him all day, every day and never get bored and essentially that’s what we did most days. Then he just ended it all and it stopped. My friend Maria offered up a couple of great analogies for this…She said it’s like he got you addicted to heroin, and every day for five months he gave you a hit and then he just cut you off and made you go cold turkey. But I think perhaps my favourite analogy is the storm. She said he came into your life like a storm but he moved on and has left me to clean up the debris of what he’s left behind. And that’s how it feels. Like he has found peace and left me pieces and now it’s up to me to pick up the debris and try and rebuild my life again.

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But how are you supposed to do this? How are you supposed to move on when you know the person you feel this connection with is with someone else? I’ve always known what to do in times of trouble, I’ve always had a set plan or known what to do next but I’m clueless here. How am I meant to function and act normal when some days the weight of his absence makes me forget how to breathe? As I have said in previous posts, I’ve been doing all I can to occupy my mind. Work is a big help because it’s busy at the moment and there’s a lot to be doing but the evenings are the worst. I miss him phoning me randomly when he’d finished work, or us planning to watch an episode of something at the same time. I read, write, watch TV shows and films and make plans with friends and family all in a bid to fill my time and keep my mind busy but the truth is, I can be surrounded by people and all I feel is empty and alone. I find it hard to find joy in anything, even things I had enjoyed previously. I may be smiling or laughing on the surface but it doesn’t reach me deep down where it should. And this is where I’m struggling. I don’t know what’s crueler…How he ended it with me or not knowing if there was any truth in the things he said to me during our relationship?! I HAVE to believe he meant some of what he said, because the idea that it was all lies just hurts in a way I cannot articulate.

The few times we have messaged since he keeps telling me I wasn’t just some girl, that he more than liked me and that he hates the thought of me being sad but his actions make me think differently. I have thoughts/theories and ideas constantly running through my mind and questions but I don’t know if there’s one person I can put them to without annoying them or causing offence or fearing they’re just tired of me talking about it. I honestly thought I would never hurt as much as I did when I lost my dad, but I was wrong. I guess it hurts because he knew how much my trust had been broken, how much I’d been lied prior to my marriage breaking down. He knew what had happened, knew my reluctance to let my guard down or date anyone. Yet still he pursued me, because he felt the connection we had, like seriously it’s the kind that people write poetry and songs about…There are two times that I often think about, one was when we were on our third date someone asked us how many years we’d been together because we seemed so close and another time when we went to Birmingham for the day someone thought we were married. We just got each other…We’d be thinking the same thing…We made sense…Make sense….And fuck, this hurts so fucking much.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and perhaps I should have remained closed off and taken my time but he gave me no reason not to believe that he didn’t feel the same way, he asked me to trust him. But a little bit of honesty and all of this could have been prevented if he would have just said the words “I still have feelings for my wife.” I would have just been his friend you know…All this hurt could be non existent if he would have just been honest instead of pretending he didn’t still have feelings for someone and saying he loved me when he didn’t.  But it’s more than that…To paraphrase something I read somewhere once…It’s easy to take your clothes off and just have sex with someone, but opening up to someone and letting them in, telling them your fears, your low points, high points and dreams for the future, that’s being truly naked and intimate with someone…So when someone takes all that and treats you in a way they promised they never would it’s destructive and beyond heartbreaking.

Honest to God (there’s that word honest again) I am trying so hard, and the thing is…I could block him on everything but it wouldn’t stop me from thinking about him or missing him…It won’t stop me loving him. As it is, I’ve archived our chats on WhatsApp so I don’t see his name anymore, I’ve hidden the letters he sent me and the birthday card and pretty much everything I post on Facebook can’t be seen by him…He’s clearly moved on so I don’t want him to see my name popping up, I don’t want him to see me feeling shitty because I imagine in some weird way that could be flattering to him. I was talking to a friend the other day who is going through the same thing right now, and we both agreed that what makes it more painful is how happy they are. How they have hurt another person so much yet continue to eat, drink and sleep normally. How their lives are normal, if not, better, whilst we are stuck, broken, confused, mere shadows of our former selves. Left with questions that will never be answered, no closure, no insight…Nothing. Just like we’re made to feel, like we’re nothing. Not even a footnote in their life.

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I recently started watching Black Mirror (I know I’m behind the times) but there’s an episode called ‘The Entire History of You’ and honestly I think it’s one of the few things I’ve seen that captures what it’s like to live with anxiety. The premise is that in the future people have a memory grain inserted in their body that allows them to relive everything they experience whenever they wish, every single moment is stored there, kind of like a cloud. It was a great episode, but it also made me feel weird because as someone who has anxiety that is what life is like. Memories may fade to other people, but anxiety sufferers tend to recall moments from their past in clear detail and relive it over and over again. I think that’s why all of this is so much harder, because my brain has looked back, dissected and analysed everything between me and him over and over again in minute detail. And there was NEVER any sign or indication that his heart belonged to someone else…So how else am I supposed to feel? If there’d been even the slightest thing, chances are I would have remembered or picked up on it at the time (my gut instinct is never wrong) and questioned it but there was nothing. So when he turned round and ended it with me after this conversation that happened so suddenly, it’s knocked everything out of me. And I don’t know how to fix myself.

I have to resign myself to the fact that he is happier without me.
That he doesn’t miss me or think about me.
That he never really cared and was just looking for someone to give him a confidence boost.
That my existence in his life meant so little that he doesn’t even notice the absence of me.

And all of these things hurt me in a way that’s too difficult to put into words…It’s been 35 days since he ended it and I feel so much worse…But I’ll have to keep on doing what I’m doing, getting help, making plans and then maybe one day it will hurt a little less. I just wish sometimes that he could feel what I feel for just a second…But I wouldn’t want him to hurt the way I do…And that makes me feel stupid because I know I should be angry or vengeful or whatever but I’m not that type of person…I just miss him so, so much. I just hope that all this is hurt is worth it because my gut is telling me different.

G.
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Late Night Questions

As you know I’m finding the process of writing about my recent break-up quite cathartic…Here’s something/some questions I jotted in my notepad last night when I couldn’t sleep….

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Do you still listen to our song?
Is it still OUR song or have you shared it with someone else?
It would be nice to know if that stayed special
A moment in our time together that stays sacred

That makes you think of how you couldn’t stop listening to it because you loved it
How it made you think of me…Of us…

I see so much that I know would make you laugh
And I reach for my phone to tell you or tag you and then I stop myself
Because I’m not sure if I should or could
And even if I did, would you leave me on read and not even respond?

But it’s more than that

Do you still want to talk to me?
Do you see things that make you think of me?

Do you long to hear from me?
Do  you still care that I’m hurting?
Do you really hate to think of me sad?
Or am I really that easy to forget?
Just some girl, thrown to one side by a text message at one in the morning
Nothing, I mean nothing…

G.
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Days 16 and 17 – Food and Fun

I missed yesterday’s prompt because I went for a much needed mooch in the City centre, enjoying a coffee and a newly purchased book of poetry….but I unintentionally completed the prompt without realising it. So the prompt was “Today I treat my body to foods like _____ and it keeps me healthy.” Yesterday I really wanted some veggies and protein so I made a stir fry for tea and nibbled on some olives…Granted I later drank a full bottle of wine but still..

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Today’s prompt is “My plan for a get away for fun or the future is ____” This one is well timed and also kind of hard to write. Originally I had a few days booked off work this week to go to Wales to visit Cardiff and the Rhondda and meet friends and family of the one I love and carry in my heart…But obviously he ended it with me so I cancelled that time off. So I’ve been trying to make plans and fill my time. I have quite a busy week ahead. I’m going to the Dr’s tomorrow for antibiotics (because I am full of something at the moment) and I’m going to ask about antidepressants because I am not coping well, then I have a pretty full on week at work but Wednesday evening I’m FINALLY going to see IT. Then Friday and Saturday I’m going to Retford, it’s been far too long since I visited Fiona, but we always have a great time and there will be a hot tub and prosecco involved so what’s not to love?! I have the Jace Everett gig in October with Jo and then the Harvey Nicks event with the ladies from the WI…Then who knows, work is going to be SO busy over the coming weeks so I will see most likely be seeing family at the weekends and chilling with them. The week before studio in November I’m going to see Kaleo in Glasgow with Fiona and then work will consume my life for a week or so as I finalise studio for the Grand Final and the Celebrity episodes…But then things should ease off a little.

This means I can FINALLY make plans to go Cardiff and visit with the lovely Jenna (who is fast becoming a great friend and has been a source of support and kindness since the day we started talking) It really helps to have things to focus on and look forward to as it keeps my mind busy and means I spend less time crying (which I’m still doing despite me questioning how many tears can someone shed before they dry out). I think one thing I would like to do, and this will perhaps happen after I know what’s going on with work, but I’d like to get my passport sorted and take myself off somewhere on my own for a week or so in the New Year. I’ve always fancied Paris or Canada…So who knows. It’s all baby steps at the moment but it’s nice to have things to plan as it takes my mind off this ache I’m carrying inside me and how much I miss him!

G.
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Day 15 – Wealth

Today’s prompt is “List 3 realistic ways you can manage or grow your wealth. Start 1 today.” I mean this is a bit of a weird one for me because I don’t really spend my money on silly stuff so I don’t need to manage my wealth, nor do I need to grow my wealth as I feel I get paid a decent wage for the job I do.  That being said I recently had my tarot cards read and was told that work would get really busy over the next couple of months (which it has) and that this will lead to a pay rise or promotion. Now honestly I don’t think I will get a promotion, I was made a Production Coordinator last December and you need to be an experienced Coordinator for a good while before you can take the next career step (which is a Production Manager) but who knows about the payrise?!

I’ve always been a hard worker, no matter job I’ve had, I’ve always given 100% but this job, I give so much more because it’s something I really love doing. Don’t get me wrong, some days it can be stressful but generally I love what I do. So I think if we’re talking in terms of monetary wealth and growth, I just need to keep working hard, learning more on the job skills and showing my willing. They’re my three things, because inevitably that will lead to better job security and more money.

I enjoy the fact I have a career that’s had a very clear path, I love looking back and seeing the progress I have made since graduating University and it’s a nice feeling when I see my name on the end credits because I know how much work it’s taken for me to get there. It’s nice to know my name is there because of MY hard work and nothing else. I like working hard and earning my own money and being able to use that money to make memories with the people that matter to me, and treat my mum to nice things because she gave me so much growing up and continues to do so.  Also I know some women like the idea of being a ‘kept’ woman so to speak but this has honestly never appealed to me. I would never like to give a man the power to say “you wouldn’t have that if it wasn’t for me!” and I like to think that I never will! Besides I’d rather be wealthy in other ways like happiness, health and love….Although I’m not sure how to get those right now with how I feel.

I shall leave you with one of my favourite quotes in regards to success in work….

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Days 13 and 14 – Appreciation and Wisdom

I missed yesterday’s post because I was getting my hair done…I figured having a change might make me feel better and boost my confidence a little bit. I love the colour and the cut but it anything, I just feel like the new colour reflects how I feel. Dark and tempestuous. So once again I will give you two days.

Yesterday’s prompt was an ‘Appreciation Day’ and the prompt was “I’m thankful for my family experience because…” in times of trouble we really rally round one another. I also love that I was raised  by two amazing people who always taught me to be open and unashamed of my feelings. To have the freedom to be honest about my feelings is a blessing right now, and I’ve mentioned this previously, but despite my mum having her own hurt and health problems to go through she has been a rock to me. She’s let me be quiet when I haven’t wanted to talk, listened when I’ve wanted to vent and held me in her arms when a fresh wave of tears has come over me. I am so thankful for her and so blessed. She’s probably one of the few people who’s making me want to keep fighting each day at the moment because I just feel so overwhelmed.

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Today’s prompt is “What does your inner wisdom tell you to do to find peace today?” I’m struggling to focus on many things at the moment because honestly what I’m feeling inside feels so all consuming. It just feels like a constant ache in my chest and an empty feeling in my stomach. I feel like there’s something important missing, but I have no clear idea of how to get back and then I realise that I never will get it back and it crushes me more. So right now my inner wisdom is just telling me to be proud that I got through another day and to do the same tomorrow. Sleep brings peace but that’s short lived as I only sleep for a few hours, but I guess to just take each day and be proud I get through it is really the best I can do right now. I hope this eases, but it’s hard when you love someone and miss them and even worse when you realise that they don’t miss you even a little bit!

G.
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Drown

Here’s something I wrote recently in reaction to what’s happened…

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It gets heavier 
And pulls me down
My fingers splayed and reaching for the surface
Hoping for some relief
An inhale of breath that will fill my lungs with the feel of your love once more
But the more time that p a s s e s 
The lower I sink
A shackle around me
Made up of a chain of your words that I now know were lies and empty promises
But it is the weight of your absence
That pulls me further into the darkness
As I drown

G.
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Day 12 – Strike a Pose

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Today’s prompt was more physical “Stretch your body/try yoga poses. What do you notice your body telling you?” So I tried a few yoga poses and found that whilst I’m still quite flexible, I’m also still quite clumsy (I almost fell a few times) It highlighted a few aches and general tiredness but that’s not surprising really. I’ve not been sleeping well and would love a massage but sadly have no one to give me one (not without paying for one anyway) so that will have to be forgotten.

I have been thinking of taking up Yoga once a week, but like everything else at the moment I just lack the motivation or interest. Maybe it’s something I’ll do eventually but right now I just need time to try and get through what’s happened.

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