I write this from my sick bed…Full of a flu and just generally feeling shitty. I’m always going to be honest. Even though people don’t tend to be honest with me, it’s something I hold really important. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes honesty involves saying or discussing things that are difficult and could cause upset but there’s always a way to do it as nice as possible. Or at least I believe there is…But this?…I still cannot comprehend this.
I still cannot get my head around the coldness or the juvenility of the way he ended it with me. I thought I was worth more than glib text message at 1am…but apparently not. I still cannot get my head around a lot of things. I get that, perhaps, some family and friends are tired of hearing me still talking about it, to them it’s been a month and I should be fine now but the truth is I’m not. I’m not fine at all. He was like the sunshine in my life, and the first person I have met that I have a true honest to god connection with. I could make him laugh and smile and we have so much in common it’s ridiculous and I miss him. I miss him so much.
At risk of sounding like a broken record the thing I’ve struggled with the most is not being able to message him/talk to him. Before he told me I was the girl of his dreams, or that he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about me since meeting me or even before he asked me on a date we talked quite a bit and it was like two pieces of a jigsaw coming together. We just clicked. Just like the day we met. I find him so exhilarating, I could speak to him all day, every day and never get bored and essentially that’s what we did most days. Then he just ended it all and it stopped. My friend Maria offered up a couple of great analogies for this…She said it’s like he got you addicted to heroin, and every day for five months he gave you a hit and then he just cut you off and made you go cold turkey. But I think perhaps my favourite analogy is the storm. She said he came into your life like a storm but he moved on and has left me to clean up the debris of what he’s left behind. And that’s how it feels. Like he has found peace and left me pieces and now it’s up to me to pick up the debris and try and rebuild my life again.
But how are you supposed to do this? How are you supposed to move on when you know the person you feel this connection with is with someone else? I’ve always known what to do in times of trouble, I’ve always had a set plan or known what to do next but I’m clueless here. How am I meant to function and act normal when some days the weight of his absence makes me forget how to breathe? As I have said in previous posts, I’ve been doing all I can to occupy my mind. Work is a big help because it’s busy at the moment and there’s a lot to be doing but the evenings are the worst. I miss him phoning me randomly when he’d finished work, or us planning to watch an episode of something at the same time. I read, write, watch TV shows and films and make plans with friends and family all in a bid to fill my time and keep my mind busy but the truth is, I can be surrounded by people and all I feel is empty and alone. I find it hard to find joy in anything, even things I had enjoyed previously. I may be smiling or laughing on the surface but it doesn’t reach me deep down where it should. And this is where I’m struggling. I don’t know what’s crueler…How he ended it with me or not knowing if there was any truth in the things he said to me during our relationship?! I HAVE to believe he meant some of what he said, because the idea that it was all lies just hurts in a way I cannot articulate.
The few times we have messaged since he keeps telling me I wasn’t just some girl, that he more than liked me and that he hates the thought of me being sad but his actions make me think differently. I have thoughts/theories and ideas constantly running through my mind and questions but I don’t know if there’s one person I can put them to without annoying them or causing offence or fearing they’re just tired of me talking about it. I honestly thought I would never hurt as much as I did when I lost my dad, but I was wrong. I guess it hurts because he knew how much my trust had been broken, how much I’d been lied prior to my marriage breaking down. He knew what had happened, knew my reluctance to let my guard down or date anyone. Yet still he pursued me, because he felt the connection we had, like seriously it’s the kind that people write poetry and songs about…There are two times that I often think about, one was when we were on our third date someone asked us how many years we’d been together because we seemed so close and another time when we went to Birmingham for the day someone thought we were married. We just got each other…We’d be thinking the same thing…We made sense…Make sense….And fuck, this hurts so fucking much.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing and perhaps I should have remained closed off and taken my time but he gave me no reason not to believe that he didn’t feel the same way, he asked me to trust him. But a little bit of honesty and all of this could have been prevented if he would have just said the words “I still have feelings for my wife.” I would have just been his friend you know…All this hurt could be non existent if he would have just been honest instead of pretending he didn’t still have feelings for someone and saying he loved me when he didn’t. But it’s more than that…To paraphrase something I read somewhere once…It’s easy to take your clothes off and just have sex with someone, but opening up to someone and letting them in, telling them your fears, your low points, high points and dreams for the future, that’s being truly naked and intimate with someone…So when someone takes all that and treats you in a way they promised they never would it’s destructive and beyond heartbreaking.
Honest to God (there’s that word honest again) I am trying so hard, and the thing is…I could block him on everything but it wouldn’t stop me from thinking about him or missing him…It won’t stop me loving him. As it is, I’ve archived our chats on WhatsApp so I don’t see his name anymore, I’ve hidden the letters he sent me and the birthday card and pretty much everything I post on Facebook can’t be seen by him…He’s clearly moved on so I don’t want him to see my name popping up, I don’t want him to see me feeling shitty because I imagine in some weird way that could be flattering to him. I was talking to a friend the other day who is going through the same thing right now, and we both agreed that what makes it more painful is how happy they are. How they have hurt another person so much yet continue to eat, drink and sleep normally. How their lives are normal, if not, better, whilst we are stuck, broken, confused, mere shadows of our former selves. Left with questions that will never be answered, no closure, no insight…Nothing. Just like we’re made to feel, like we’re nothing. Not even a footnote in their life.
I recently started watching Black Mirror (I know I’m behind the times) but there’s an episode called ‘The Entire History of You’ and honestly I think it’s one of the few things I’ve seen that captures what it’s like to live with anxiety. The premise is that in the future people have a memory grain inserted in their body that allows them to relive everything they experience whenever they wish, every single moment is stored there, kind of like a cloud. It was a great episode, but it also made me feel weird because as someone who has anxiety that is what life is like. Memories may fade to other people, but anxiety sufferers tend to recall moments from their past in clear detail and relive it over and over again. I think that’s why all of this is so much harder, because my brain has looked back, dissected and analysed everything between me and him over and over again in minute detail. And there was NEVER any sign or indication that his heart belonged to someone else…So how else am I supposed to feel? If there’d been even the slightest thing, chances are I would have remembered or picked up on it at the time (my gut instinct is never wrong) and questioned it but there was nothing. So when he turned round and ended it with me after this conversation that happened so suddenly, it’s knocked everything out of me. And I don’t know how to fix myself.
I have to resign myself to the fact that he is happier without me.
That he doesn’t miss me or think about me.
That he never really cared and was just looking for someone to give him a confidence boost.
That my existence in his life meant so little that he doesn’t even notice the absence of me.
And all of these things hurt me in a way that’s too difficult to put into words…It’s been 35 days since he ended it and I feel so much worse…But I’ll have to keep on doing what I’m doing, getting help, making plans and then maybe one day it will hurt a little less. I just wish sometimes that he could feel what I feel for just a second…But I wouldn’t want him to hurt the way I do…And that makes me feel stupid because I know I should be angry or vengeful or whatever but I’m not that type of person…I just miss him so, so much. I just hope that all this is hurt is worth it because my gut is telling me different.